Posted by: Jeff | August 18, 2009

In Which I Review G.I. Joe In Ten Sentences

If you and your friends can somehow commandeer a theater for yourselves, free to make as much noise and snarky commentary as you like while keeping a hefty supply of alcohol on hand, it’ll probably be one of the best cinematic experiences you’ve had in quite a while. And even if you can’t see it under those conditions, you’ll probably still have a reasonably good time.

G.I. Joe sports all the classic elements of B-movie action. Inexplicable behaviors aiming at coolness (“Why is he wearing sunglasses in the rain?”) physical impossibilities (“How the hell did he get from there to there?”) impossible physics (“Ice doesn’t sink!”) and, of course, the utterly hamhanded but very heartfelt speech. (“What I think your father would’ve wanted you to learn was…”) It even has several gloriously bad digital effects sequences and the requisite destruction of a well known monument. In this case, a swarm of nanobots consume enough of the lower portions of the Eiffel Tower for it to topple into the Seine. I hate it when that happens.

To its credit, and unlike the brutalizing, brooding 12-year-old male id that is Transformers 2, the film hits all these notes with an endearing, gleeful and completely unserious gusto. And did I mention G.I. Joe not only features that gorgeous green chick from the newest Star Trek, but also Sienna Miller in full-on, cleavage-glorifying dominatrix-wear? Reason enough to see any movie, if you ask me.



  1. Glad to know I’m not the only one who could look past the buzz and the studio tactics and actually enjoy this perfectly successful B-action adventure film.

  2. Is it bad that three days later, I’m still thinking of new, (unintentionally) hilarious moments from the movie?

    And you missed a classic B-movie element: the completely ridiculous and unneccesary subplot featuring a minor character (Snow Shadow and Snake Eyes are brothers?!?! Sort of.).


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